A balancing act

So it seems the blog thing doesn't really suit me when I'm employed. I get busy, or my attention gets side-tracked by a shiny object...

The shiny object lately has been just being in LA. Which might sound strange to some of you given how hard of an adjustment it was to for me to get situated here. But the nice weather has been really wonderful after the winter we had on the tour this year (Peoria, South Bend, Sioux City, Detroit, Chicago). And it really is its own place in a very strange, personality-less kind of way. I've settled into a neat little routine of going to the gym, having breakfast at the same cafe on my way home, getting ready, going to work, coming home, and sometimes peppering all that with a twirl around the WeHo bars at the end of the day. All of that sameness, though, has made me realize that I need something to balance it all out. Which then got me thinking more about overall balance in my life.

I'll speak for myself here (redundant given that this is MY blog), but I'm pretty sure this is broadly applicable. I have spent so long trying to find the right balance only to end up on the opposite side of where I started. Which then turns into a re-balance going back in the other direction...and so on and so forth. The good thing about all of this is that I've been able to identify that it's what I'm going through. Or so I think. Who ever really knows what's going on with feelings and emotions?

Lately the balance struggle has involved needing more solid connections with people in my life. Don't get me wrong. I have people I love, LOVE dearly and with whom I have solid relationships. And that's one of the most amazing things to me. They truly are my foundation and not a day goes by that I don't almost ache inside because of how much they mean to me. But then I have all these acquaintances that have come and gone - some of them have had amazing effects on my life. Yet they remain acquaintances because of circumstances. I'm on tour, they live somewhere else, things go awry, or we just lose touch. I know that this is just part of how life goes. That there are fleeting moments in our lives. But...what am I even saying here? I think it's really that so much of my life has been without enough of those real connections that I'm trying to make up for lost time. And finding myself disappointed when I feel something that isn't reciprocated on the other end. But that's life too. I'm trying to be ok with knowing that the disappointment is as ok to feel as the connection. And that the disappointment doesn't necessarily mean that I'm wrong or rejected. It's just how it is.

My whole life I've been so picky about those I allow into my life, and now that I've learned more about myself, I realize that may have been detrimental. I've met people in the last year I wouldn't even have given the time of day to had they asked 5 years ago. That, however, was my path. It's how I learned how to experience things. I learned about myself and others in a very guarded way, and I'm sure that did some good for me, right? I'm happy, I'm healthy, I have a home, I have great friends, and a loving family. And I'm more open to new people and experiences than I've ever been before. OK - I talked myself down. Post complete.

Pieces of me

This is exactly why I'll never have a successful blog. Do you SEE how long it's been since my last update? Oy. Bad blogger. Bad!

My mind and soul, however, are still in a similar place to when I last decided it was important to put all my thoughts and feelings down for all of cyberspace to enjoy/ridicule/understand/ignore. Since the show moved from SF to LA - I've had a fair amount of time to myself. Which, of course, gets one into some pretty deep thinking sometimes. Most of that time, however, happens to be when I'm sitting in traffic on my way to or from...well, anywhere. As such, I suppose I can't get too deeply lost in thought, lest I lose control of my lovely rental Nissan Altima.

But what I've come to realize by having all that time is that I've never in my life been more homesick than I am now. I went away to college - that was cool. I moved to New York - that was cool, I was starting my life on my own. I went on tour (two prior to this one), and sure, I was a little homesick - but I was still exploring. This time is totally different. I have a true home to go home to. And I want to go there and nest. Not be reclusive, but live my life without the interruption of constantly moving around. To enjoy the friends I've made there already and make new ones. To date. Dating seems like such a foreign concept after so long on the road. Sure you can do it, and I've gone on a few dates, but it seems so contrived, so empty. New friends are great, but I feel so emotionally exposed when I meet people that I enjoy so much and then have to leave them. I know I should just enjoy everything for what it is, and ultimately I come to terms with life and do just that, but it seems that I've gotten to the point that I just need something more stable in my life.

So it's not just homesickness. For the first time in my life I really want to share my life with someone. I've worked so hard on "making it" in New York, and creating a career path for myself that my heart has been closed to the feelings and emotions that would be receptive to a relationship. I don't want to sound whiny and dejected, but part of my emotional awakening unleashed this huge desire for a sustainable relationship with someone who has their shit together. A stable career. A healthy sex drive. Someone who likes to go out, but similarly wants to have those quiet snowy nights cuddled on the couch, just hangin' out. Smart, funny, enjoys the value of a good vocabulary, isn't afraid to laugh at himself, has an understanding and appreciation of what my job requires, takes care of himself physically and emotionally, and loves me unconditionally. Because of and in spite of everything that makes me who I am.

A couple years ago, my dad started asking me about my love life. I thought it was sweet. I'd say, "Oh yeah, I'm dating this person, or that person." Or "I'm not dating at all." At first, I thought he was just making conversation, but one time he said that he wanted to be sure I was happy. At the time, I didn't equate my happiness with someone being by my side. And I think I still feel similarly. But my dad struck a nerve years before I even knew it was there. I don't think someone in my life will make or break my happiness, but it's something my body and mind are seeking. It almost feels like a basic need that is going unfulfilled. But even saying that seems strange to me - you don't seek these things out, they just come along, right?

Whatever all of this is - the senioritis, the homesickness, the emotional upheaval, and the enjoyment of so many things in life - I'm still processing it all. I've always been such an independent person - but right now my life needs more. I'm not entirely convinced that means someone else - but I'm certainly missing something.

The Awakening

I'm going to take a break from the politically charged, the confrontational, and the carefully thought out posts that have marked my blog and my take on issues for the last several weeks. My post today may not be broadly applicable or even of interest given what I've been known for writing previously; but I feel a huge drive to write my thoughts and feelings about my own experience during Pride month and what I have come to learn about myself. It's long and emotional (for me anyway), but I urge you to read it. If for no other reason, for my selfish desire to open up to others more than I have ever been capable of doing.

With my time in San Francisco culminating (roughly) in Pride this weekend, I thought this a fitting post to end my month of LGBT community posts. Boy, was there community over the weekend. Leaving out the obvious low points (rude people, getting my balls racked purposefully by some girl at the Pride day festivities, and the lack of care and community from some that would likely have a lot to gain from actually going and seeing everything just for what it is), my Pride experience here is one for the books. I marched in the parade alongside my very good friend Ben with Virgin America. I went to bars. I went to parties. I saw friends. I watched people. And I went to the single largest street fair event I've ever seen. I saw things many people (including myself) would never want to see again. I saw things that titillated me. I saw things that saddened me. I saw things that inspired me. But what all of this really did was create an awakening in me that I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately describe. Just writing about it gives me chills and makes me want to open the flood gates of years of stored up tears. I've always been one who has appreciated, nay, celebrated vocabulary and the power of words to effectively communicate. I've been one to say that everything has a rational explanation. I've even been one, at times, to have an almost defiant incomprehension when someone else hasn't been able to adequately characterize events and feelings to me in words. But as I write this post, I throw all of that out of the window. There oftentimes are no rational, well-thought arguments and just as often, simply no words. Period.

I struggle for even a way to broadly describe it. But whatever it is, and whatever has happened to me and the way that I feel and see things, it has been an undeniably life-altering event. My lack of understanding of my own feelings makes me feel so intensely under qualified for life and relationships that I really have no idea how I've gotten this far in my life's journey. However I've done it, I thank my lucky stars. But the wave of consciousness and conviction that has since engulfed me makes me feel like a kid on the first day of school. So nervous that I won't be able to do it. So frightened of how others will see me. And so amazingly inspired and simply delighted that I feel as if I'm on fire from within.

I'm utterly dumbfounded at these seemingly enigmatic concepts within me. Not only did I finally feel part of the LGBT community, but that awareness brought me so much knowledge of myself that I will never, ever forget it. I cannot express to those who have helped me along this journey (which I realize has been a life-long journey) what they have done for me. I feel unworthy of this life's blessing and full of sheer bliss to move forward with what has been hidden in me for so long. Here's to life, my friends!

Retract the claws...

I had an entire post planned around arguing every last detail in regards to the heated debate of the Department of Justice's Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) defense. I read the brief, made notes, agreed with some of it, disagreed with some of it, but let me tell you - it was just too much work for what I think I have to say on the matter. Not that I don't think it's important to have intelligent, informed, detailed discussion on such a hot topic in the LGBT community, but I just don't think I'm ready to delve into all of the minute intricacies. Further, I can't argue the case history because I just don't know it. I'd rather speak from this new place I've found - it's called the heart.

What all my "research" boiled down to is this: While there was language that was used that could be seen as demeaning and downright "Bush-ian" in its social commentary, let's rewind and look at who wrote it. A Bush hold-over in the DOJ. Sure, he has supervisors whose names are listed on the brief, and ultimately, Eric Holder is responsible for what comes out of the Department. And supremely, Obama is responsible for all of that. So I understand some of the outrage given the arguments in the brief. However, very little of the brief contained this "inflammatory" language. In fact, I think many of the arguments presented therein hold a lot of weight. Granted, I didn't read the plaintiff's brief, but it seems that many of the arguments on the plaintiffs' standing seem solid by the logic presented. And I'm not saying I agree with the legislation, or with the ideological basis of the brief itself, but as a reasonable person, I have to have my mind open to what it's saying and what the options are. Let's not view this as a hands down interpretation of the Obama Administration's LGBT policy. These were people who were doing their job as members of the executive branch, upholding the legal basis of a statute. And if you look closely, were virtually giving the gay community a road map (though long and complicated) to repealing DOMA.

Barack Obama is an immensely calculated and intelligent man. There are time-bombs ticking around every corner for him, yet he (for the most part) gracefully navigates them. I, for one, can't even imagine what it would be like for each and every move, word, meeting, and gesture to be so severely scrutinized. He's doing things the way he sees best to do them, which - isn't that WHY we elected him? We chose him to lead us because we believed in what he can do, because of his intelligence (especially after the last administration's lack thereof), because of his strength of character, because of his ability to make change (he changed all of us who voted for him into believers, did he not?) because of his compassionate nature. He launched an entire movement around his charismatic presence. Let's remember these things when we move to attack him.

His transition team indicated back in November that there would be no substantive action on Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT). By extension, one should have understood 'DOMA' here as well. The rationale given was that they wanted time to build consensus on the issue before moving forward. Changing minds and hearts to do that takes time. A lot of time. Many of you out there may want to piss off the radical right. And you may be ok with pissing off the conserva-dems as well. But doing that spells almost certain doom for the entire rest of the Administration's agenda. For health care reform. For economic reform and oversight. For a change in foreign relations. Anything brought forth by the administration after unilateral movement on issues as inflammatory as DADT and DOMA would be sure to fail. While I think equality for LGBT people is immensely important, we can get there without sabotaging the rest of the country as a result.

So while I understand people's frustration, I strongly urge those who are frustrated to take a look at the bigger picture. Things take time. Yes, he promised. Yes, the DOMA brief is problematic, but truly look and listen to what's going on. Be thankful for the incremental steps like benefits for federal employees. Yes - even though health benefits are missing from the package, because it's still a step forward. This is how he's building consensus. By taking small steps he's working to change the hearts and minds of people who are skeptical. Turning our backs on Obama now, showing our teeth (or jungle red claws), and running around as if our hair is on fire is not going to get us what we want. What we need.

I am not advocating tacit complacency. We should continue to work for what we believe is just. But those of us who are not involved at the top levels need to continue grassroots work. Change the hearts and minds of those around you who may not agree with same-sex marriage. We all know that adding a personal connection to the issue is the surest way to change a mind on the fence, or even one firmly in the other camp. Doing that will make repeal of these hateful policies inevitable. Let's help the cause by doing, not hurt it by just criticizing.

LGBT Perceptions: Black & White?

Following this week's leak of graphic sexual pictures of Dustin Lance Black (Milk screenwriter, film-maker and gay rights activist and educator), I thought it a good opportunity to discuss (only skimming the surface of) the perception of gays in society.

For those of you who don't know, Black has become the perfect poster child for the younger gay activist movement. A handsome mid-thirties, well spoken man, he works to educate, protest and get the conversation going. Perez Hilton (pariah) broke some pics of Black engaged in bareback sex. The other party in the pictures has since been identified as Black's boyfriend at the time, but they have set off a firestorm within the gay community. On the one hand, you have those who come to his defense and indicate that these photos are a private matter (agreed), and that what Black decides to do in the privacy of his home (or wherever else the pictures were taken) is his business only.

There's a solid rationale in all of that. However, when you make yourself an outspoken advocate for gay rights, for SAFE-SEX, and otherwise put yourself out there for a cause, you then have a certain responsibility to the community you seek to educate and advance. The person in the photos may have been Black's boyfriend at the time, but it hardly seems relevant who the person was. And though, he may not have been engaging in unsafe sex, per se, the perception that has since come into play is somewhat of an incongruous picture. I appreciate that Black has since issued a statement trying to control the damage. While he sees the injustice of what has happened to him, he still takes responsibility for his position becoming compromised. I think.

There are many aspects of "gay culture" that offend not only society in general, but many members of the LGBT community. There are always fringe groups, fetish cultures, and cliques. It has always felt to me like there has been a struggle to determine whether or not we embrace all these things under one umbrella, or cut and run. The "one umbrella" solution seems to be what we, probably rightfully, strive for. As members of the gay community, we have a shared experience of discrimination, shame, hurt feelings and general disregard. The more we can come together to battle these demons, the stronger chance we have of actually fighting with strength, conviction and compassion and coming out with genuine victories for the community.

But how do we get all these drastically different people to work together? You have twinks that are afraid of bears. You have lesbians who may not feel that they're taken seriously enough within the community. You have pretty jock boys who think that being muscle-y and masculine are all there is and disregard everybody else. We can't expect to be taken seriously by straight society if we can't even take each other seriously and treat one another with respect.

To me it all boils down to "live and let live" with a side-dish of "be responsible to and for yourself and your actions." We have to present ourselves as both mainstream and who we really are - simultaneously. While many would argue that gay IS mainstream, I'd come back with, "Being reduced to stereotype and cliche is not mainstream." To be taken seriously by the rest of society, we have to take one another seriously. Play down the differences, stop stereotyping one another and show the world that we can be a united body that's responsible to and for one another and comes together when it really counts.

LGBT ADHD

There has been a flurry of discussion in the last few weeks about the decision of the California Supreme Court regarding Proposition 8. And there are a lot of people out there that are still angry about the decision. In my little series here on community building within the LGBT community, I want to make sure that we're all talking straight with each other, so to speak.  We have to be sure each of us is properly informed in order to focus our communal voice.

I went to the rally outside the San Francisco City Hall the evening after the Prop 8 decision had been made. It felt good to get out and support something I felt so strongly about. To be part of the broader LGBT community for once in my life and actually feel as if there was a common bond that transcended any differences. But once I left the march and really thought about what occurred there, I don't think the message was totally tuned into what we need to be saying. And while it got people out and thinking about what was going on, which is HUGELY important - don't get me wrong - the message wasn't as clear as it probably could have been and didn't adequately describe what had happened. 

One of the speakers said that we had to act like our hair was on fire. I applaud his call to action, but you know these queens - they will take that and literally run around as if their hair IS on fire. Getting in people's faces, behaving like lunatics.

Focus is the name of the game, folks. And focus comes from not just reading headlines, but reading the backstory. Reading the corroborating materials - how many of you have actually read any of the actual text of the CA Supreme Court decision? Our society has become so lethargic that we don't even ensure that the information we have is of any substance. We take what we're told by the dreamy Anderson Cooper and believe that there's the story. That's all there is.

The most recent decision in California was not whether this type of discrimination was legal, or even desirable. It was a technical legal matter. It was about constitutional process. I'll pause to give some of my readers a break. I know I'm not necessarily speaking to those who get a kick out of my rantings and ravings. I am speaking to those who will probably never read my blog at all. To those who comment on Facebook links from HRC and Marriage Equality with comments that have nothing to do with the story or link that's posted. Instead they comment willy-nilly, as if their hair is on fire. The link will be about the most recent goings on in New York with a Senate shake-up and what that means for marriage equality legislation, and the comments will read something like, "If Iowa can do it, why can't California?" or "Why can't we all realize that everyone deserves rights?"  While I understand their passion and the importance of the statements they're making, why the non-sequitur? Do we not know enough about what's going on to discuss each point separately? Becoming specific to each argument is what's going to bring equality. Presumably, those of us who are fans of those pages feel similarly, so why not move past the generic rhetoric and speak substantively on the matter at hand?

Now, I realize that I'm being a bit bitchy. That I shouldn't be squashing someone's passion and conviction. Re-reading what I've written above makes me feel as if I've been unfair. Like I said though, I appreciate the passion, but think that part of moving forward as a community is making sure we all not only have our eyes on the prize, but have the intellectual tools necessary to actually get there. We need to understand each step and its impact on the movement in a real and concrete sense. This will give us the power, as a unified and empowered community, to change hearts and minds and ultimately reach our goal of full equality.

I'm proud, I think. How 'bout you?

June has arrived. Scantily clad men and women folk are claiming their swaths of beach (though, I'm not among them being in San Francisco where it's cloudy and a lovely 50 degrees today...). Summer festivals. Farmers' Markets. Pride festivals will soon be in full bloom.   

As pride descends upon us, perhaps it's necessary to blogify on some gay matters all month. Oh, wait. I kind of do that already. Perhaps then, let's focus on some things that we should be doing to bring the LGBT community together. Things we can do to support one another. Educate one another. I can't promise, however, that I won't get pissed off about something and rail against stupid-heads along the way. But as always, I'll try not to be just plain mean.

Something that's been on my mind a lot lately is HIV/AIDS. Look at these acronyms:

HIV

AIDS

These are serious fucking matters, folks. Human Immunodeficiency Virus. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Your body no longer protects you from things which those with uncompromised immune systems can fight off much easier. While I can't even begin to understand what it's like for someone to face all of the issues that surround seroconversion and how that subsequently affects many aspects of one's life, I CAN understand what it's like to be constantly plagued by knowing and seeing the devastation that HIV can inflict.

I also understand that sometimes mistakes are made. That some people do everything they can to protect themselves from becoming infected and ultimately will trust someone that doesn't have the same respect for them. But it is those people, the latter, that really piss me the fuck off. Knowing that everyone deals with issues in their lives differently, I still have to beg the questions, "How can one be so indifferent to a disease that claims millions of lives each year, yet is almost 100% preventable in the modern world?" "How can you be so selfish to recklessly endanger other's lives in addition to your own?" "How can you knowingly infect another individual with an untreatable disease, or be so indifferent to allow your own virus (which may be a more or less virulent strain - Russian Roulette anyone?) to enter their body?" The latter question is probably not fair. Many people infected with HIV don't even know it. They're too afraid to get tested. They'd rather live in denial of the fact that this virus exists and can be responsible for totally altering the direction of your life. But then, isn't it a fair question? If you're a sexually active person, you are responsible to, at the very least, yourself. For your health and well-being. And while another person's health isn't your responsibility, why perpetuate a culture of denial and nonchalance? 

There is enough frustration to go around. From the conservative right which fails to allow proper sex education, people who admittedly seek unsafe sex with multiple partners that they may or may not know, people that continue to re-use needles for their drug induced stupors, and society's general lack of immediacy for the issue because now it's "controllable," "manageable," or a "lost cause." It makes me so angry, but it also makes me so sad I can hardly bear it.

Not that there aren't a lot of people out there who continue to educate the ignorant and lobby the powers of the world. There's a lot of research devoted to finding a vaccine and learning all we can about the virus, its life-cycle, its limitations, its mutations. There are countless organizations that provide services on every point along the spectrum from education to providing services and counseling for those with HIV. I commend and deeply respect those that make it their life's work to help those who suffer and prevent others from experiencing the evils of the disease. But where is the urgency? Its loss in the community leads to further inadequate education and attention, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle. It has become a cause that is so firmly embedded in gay culture, especially, that we don't even realize that despite current treatments, it's still the same destructive disease it has always been. 

Current anti-retroviral therapies are a blessing and a curse. When properly used, they are monumental in bringing a certain quality of life back to HIV-positive individuals and in reducing the morbidity and mortality of the virus. But it is because of this perceived "manageability" of the virus that it becomes such a curse. The young and uneducated believe that it's OK to become infected because those with HIV no longer experience severe wasting, the rapid onset of sarcomas, rashes and pneumonia. Are lipodistrophy, dyslipidemia, vomiting, stomach cramps, and cardiovascular issues from the cocktails any better? Is a daily regimen of drugs that make you feel sick easier than practicing safe sex? More importantly, are we destined to become slaves to our own weaknesses and irresponsible impulses? 

This pride month, let's really be proud of something. Let's be proud of being responsible. Let's be proud of coming together as a community to educate one another about what this disease really is. Let's be proud of helping rather than hurting. Wake up. Be responsible. Wrap it up.