Death of a Friendship

How do we deal with difficult times in our lives? Well, online and as publicly as possible, of course. I recently received a heartbreaking email from someone I once thought of as a good friend. Yes, an email that was a swift kick in the ass right out of his life...

I am a generally guarded person. I don't let people in that often. It's obvious that I do it because the hurt experienced when relationships go awry is often too much to bear; the confusion, the nausea, the hatred, the feeling that I just want to cry it all the way out, and the feeling of being rudderless in the wake of an emotional tsunami.

I've copied the email below...word for word, with redactions/changes of names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. I'm sure my response (below the first email) isn't entirely fair. I didn't think fair was necessary; and after several days of reflection, I can honestly say that I said what I needed to. Though, a conversation with a friend would have been far better than an email to someone I once knew...

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Email I received:

David-

This letter is going to feel pretty out of the blue for you, and I apologize upfront for that.

I'm sure between Facebook and [...], you've put together that Joe and I have been having trouble; the last 2 months have been extremely difficult. Joe and I, though, are now attempting to mend our relationship and I'm cautiously optimistic that we are headed on a path towards a stronger, healthier place than we have been over the past two years. This brings me to why I'm writing.

Unbeknownst to you and through no fault of your own, you have been a source of stress and insecurity throughout the length of my relationship. My actions, and my actions alone, set this situation into motion and unfortunately our friendship is now paying the price. I'm very sorry for that.

In order to be able to focus my energy into healing my relationship, I need to keep my distance from you. I will not be in touch, and have to ask that you respect that boundary as well by not contacting me. If you feel the need to respond to this and say your piece, I understand. But know that I'm not able to have an ongoing discussion about this and will not likely respond.

I recognize how unfair this is for you. We haven't talked much, seen each other even less, but we were still friends all the same. I also recognize how confusing it probably is, and I'm sorry I don't feel I can give you more of an explanation.

I'm saddened my own actions have resulted in this situation, but I hope you respect what I feel needs to happen going forward. I wish nothing but the best for you, David, and hope you continue to live a happy and healthy life.

-Allen

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My response:

Shock. Pain. Anger. Not because you need to make a change for your life, but for you to say we were ever friends and yet send the message below is the epitome of audacity. Friends communicate with one another. Friends are there for one another. A friend would have the compassion and fortitude to explain such a seemingly indiscriminate and callous expulsion from your life. Realizing I should expect none of that, I can't even deign to believe that you will have the decency to read my response.

I appreciate that there are parts of our lives that need to be changed in order for others to work, and that those changes aren't always easy. In fact, the last time we had a conversation, I was trying to learn that from a difficult family situation. Not that I would expect you to have listened; that's something a friend would do. We apparently were never really friends, and I was too much of a fool to have ever noticed. Shame on me. And shame on you for trodding so carelessly on someone who afforded you a special place in his heart and thought the same was true in return.

I can't help but wish I had something kinder or gentler to say, but...I don't.

DVZ