Death of a Friendship

How do we deal with difficult times in our lives? Well, online and as publicly as possible, of course. I recently received a heartbreaking email from someone I once thought of as a good friend. Yes, an email that was a swift kick in the ass right out of his life...

I am a generally guarded person. I don't let people in that often. It's obvious that I do it because the hurt experienced when relationships go awry is often too much to bear; the confusion, the nausea, the hatred, the feeling that I just want to cry it all the way out, and the feeling of being rudderless in the wake of an emotional tsunami.

I've copied the email below...word for word, with redactions/changes of names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. I'm sure my response (below the first email) isn't entirely fair. I didn't think fair was necessary; and after several days of reflection, I can honestly say that I said what I needed to. Though, a conversation with a friend would have been far better than an email to someone I once knew...

---------------------------------------------------------

Email I received:

David-

This letter is going to feel pretty out of the blue for you, and I apologize upfront for that.

I'm sure between Facebook and [...], you've put together that Joe and I have been having trouble; the last 2 months have been extremely difficult. Joe and I, though, are now attempting to mend our relationship and I'm cautiously optimistic that we are headed on a path towards a stronger, healthier place than we have been over the past two years. This brings me to why I'm writing.

Unbeknownst to you and through no fault of your own, you have been a source of stress and insecurity throughout the length of my relationship. My actions, and my actions alone, set this situation into motion and unfortunately our friendship is now paying the price. I'm very sorry for that.

In order to be able to focus my energy into healing my relationship, I need to keep my distance from you. I will not be in touch, and have to ask that you respect that boundary as well by not contacting me. If you feel the need to respond to this and say your piece, I understand. But know that I'm not able to have an ongoing discussion about this and will not likely respond.

I recognize how unfair this is for you. We haven't talked much, seen each other even less, but we were still friends all the same. I also recognize how confusing it probably is, and I'm sorry I don't feel I can give you more of an explanation.

I'm saddened my own actions have resulted in this situation, but I hope you respect what I feel needs to happen going forward. I wish nothing but the best for you, David, and hope you continue to live a happy and healthy life.

-Allen

---------------------------------------------------------

My response:

Shock. Pain. Anger. Not because you need to make a change for your life, but for you to say we were ever friends and yet send the message below is the epitome of audacity. Friends communicate with one another. Friends are there for one another. A friend would have the compassion and fortitude to explain such a seemingly indiscriminate and callous expulsion from your life. Realizing I should expect none of that, I can't even deign to believe that you will have the decency to read my response.

I appreciate that there are parts of our lives that need to be changed in order for others to work, and that those changes aren't always easy. In fact, the last time we had a conversation, I was trying to learn that from a difficult family situation. Not that I would expect you to have listened; that's something a friend would do. We apparently were never really friends, and I was too much of a fool to have ever noticed. Shame on me. And shame on you for trodding so carelessly on someone who afforded you a special place in his heart and thought the same was true in return.

I can't help but wish I had something kinder or gentler to say, but...I don't.

DVZ

Don't let the sun go down on me

There are times during one's life when everything sucks. You know, the kind that are so difficult you could just puke, hard on everyone around and seem entirely without reason. They often don't give a clear opportunity for a positive outcome, and even then, you feel that you shouldn't be able to gain anything positive from something so horrendous.

We are all transients here. Our time will come, and our time will go just as quickly. It's now been two weeks since my stepfather, Gennaro "Jerri" DiLauri, was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. He woke up on the day of the accident just like any of us. He took a shower, got dressed, had some coffee, probably ate something and got on his bike to ride. He drove for miles enjoying life and doing something that made him happier than a pig in shit. But then, it was his time to go; and just that quickly, lives changed forever. My mom's life has changed in ways I can't possibly even begin to imagine. She lost a husband, a companion, a friend. If there was anything in the world I could do, or buy, or write, or think, or say that could take the pain away from her, you bet your ass I'd have done it already. His son and daughter have lost a father, a friend, a grandfather for their children...and I don't want to imagine that I'll have to endure the same thing one day. His brothers, his nephews, his friends, entire towns....it's all just a stunning tragedy.

From this tragedy, however, I have somehow seen a brighter picture. It seems almost unrealistically morbid to even write that. It seems downright cruel or insensitive. But while I understand their pain, I also have come to understand the joy that one human being can bring to this world; and it's mind-blowingly awesome.

I experienced a similar "rebirth" of my appreciation of humanity after my own accident. I don't in any way mean to compare experiences. Somehow, in what could have been something just as tragic, I was fine. It wasn't my time. But it was my time to realize that I wanted to be a better person, live my life honorably and have a fucking fantastic time doing it. It's been several years since then and I still strive to do that. I'm sure I've had my own rocky patches, but it's something I think about nearly every day.

Jerry's passing has re-focused my attention on that. Because it just as easily COULD have been my time. Then what? What has my life meant or done for others? I have to share that joy, that passion for life, that sincerity with people I love, with the guy at the store, or with somebody at a bar the way Jerry did.

As Jerry lived and Auntie Mame said, "Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Truer words have ne'er been spoken. Life is not a place to be shy about grabbing the first plate and stuffing yourself full. In fact, I'll see you in line for seconds, thirds... Thanks for the lesson, Jer'.