The Awakening

I'm going to take a break from the politically charged, the confrontational, and the carefully thought out posts that have marked my blog and my take on issues for the last several weeks. My post today may not be broadly applicable or even of interest given what I've been known for writing previously; but I feel a huge drive to write my thoughts and feelings about my own experience during Pride month and what I have come to learn about myself. It's long and emotional (for me anyway), but I urge you to read it. If for no other reason, for my selfish desire to open up to others more than I have ever been capable of doing.

With my time in San Francisco culminating (roughly) in Pride this weekend, I thought this a fitting post to end my month of LGBT community posts. Boy, was there community over the weekend. Leaving out the obvious low points (rude people, getting my balls racked purposefully by some girl at the Pride day festivities, and the lack of care and community from some that would likely have a lot to gain from actually going and seeing everything just for what it is), my Pride experience here is one for the books. I marched in the parade alongside my very good friend Ben with Virgin America. I went to bars. I went to parties. I saw friends. I watched people. And I went to the single largest street fair event I've ever seen. I saw things many people (including myself) would never want to see again. I saw things that titillated me. I saw things that saddened me. I saw things that inspired me. But what all of this really did was create an awakening in me that I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately describe. Just writing about it gives me chills and makes me want to open the flood gates of years of stored up tears. I've always been one who has appreciated, nay, celebrated vocabulary and the power of words to effectively communicate. I've been one to say that everything has a rational explanation. I've even been one, at times, to have an almost defiant incomprehension when someone else hasn't been able to adequately characterize events and feelings to me in words. But as I write this post, I throw all of that out of the window. There oftentimes are no rational, well-thought arguments and just as often, simply no words. Period.

I struggle for even a way to broadly describe it. But whatever it is, and whatever has happened to me and the way that I feel and see things, it has been an undeniably life-altering event. My lack of understanding of my own feelings makes me feel so intensely under qualified for life and relationships that I really have no idea how I've gotten this far in my life's journey. However I've done it, I thank my lucky stars. But the wave of consciousness and conviction that has since engulfed me makes me feel like a kid on the first day of school. So nervous that I won't be able to do it. So frightened of how others will see me. And so amazingly inspired and simply delighted that I feel as if I'm on fire from within.

I'm utterly dumbfounded at these seemingly enigmatic concepts within me. Not only did I finally feel part of the LGBT community, but that awareness brought me so much knowledge of myself that I will never, ever forget it. I cannot express to those who have helped me along this journey (which I realize has been a life-long journey) what they have done for me. I feel unworthy of this life's blessing and full of sheer bliss to move forward with what has been hidden in me for so long. Here's to life, my friends!

I'm proud, I think. How 'bout you?

June has arrived. Scantily clad men and women folk are claiming their swaths of beach (though, I'm not among them being in San Francisco where it's cloudy and a lovely 50 degrees today...). Summer festivals. Farmers' Markets. Pride festivals will soon be in full bloom.   

As pride descends upon us, perhaps it's necessary to blogify on some gay matters all month. Oh, wait. I kind of do that already. Perhaps then, let's focus on some things that we should be doing to bring the LGBT community together. Things we can do to support one another. Educate one another. I can't promise, however, that I won't get pissed off about something and rail against stupid-heads along the way. But as always, I'll try not to be just plain mean.

Something that's been on my mind a lot lately is HIV/AIDS. Look at these acronyms:

HIV

AIDS

These are serious fucking matters, folks. Human Immunodeficiency Virus. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Your body no longer protects you from things which those with uncompromised immune systems can fight off much easier. While I can't even begin to understand what it's like for someone to face all of the issues that surround seroconversion and how that subsequently affects many aspects of one's life, I CAN understand what it's like to be constantly plagued by knowing and seeing the devastation that HIV can inflict.

I also understand that sometimes mistakes are made. That some people do everything they can to protect themselves from becoming infected and ultimately will trust someone that doesn't have the same respect for them. But it is those people, the latter, that really piss me the fuck off. Knowing that everyone deals with issues in their lives differently, I still have to beg the questions, "How can one be so indifferent to a disease that claims millions of lives each year, yet is almost 100% preventable in the modern world?" "How can you be so selfish to recklessly endanger other's lives in addition to your own?" "How can you knowingly infect another individual with an untreatable disease, or be so indifferent to allow your own virus (which may be a more or less virulent strain - Russian Roulette anyone?) to enter their body?" The latter question is probably not fair. Many people infected with HIV don't even know it. They're too afraid to get tested. They'd rather live in denial of the fact that this virus exists and can be responsible for totally altering the direction of your life. But then, isn't it a fair question? If you're a sexually active person, you are responsible to, at the very least, yourself. For your health and well-being. And while another person's health isn't your responsibility, why perpetuate a culture of denial and nonchalance? 

There is enough frustration to go around. From the conservative right which fails to allow proper sex education, people who admittedly seek unsafe sex with multiple partners that they may or may not know, people that continue to re-use needles for their drug induced stupors, and society's general lack of immediacy for the issue because now it's "controllable," "manageable," or a "lost cause." It makes me so angry, but it also makes me so sad I can hardly bear it.

Not that there aren't a lot of people out there who continue to educate the ignorant and lobby the powers of the world. There's a lot of research devoted to finding a vaccine and learning all we can about the virus, its life-cycle, its limitations, its mutations. There are countless organizations that provide services on every point along the spectrum from education to providing services and counseling for those with HIV. I commend and deeply respect those that make it their life's work to help those who suffer and prevent others from experiencing the evils of the disease. But where is the urgency? Its loss in the community leads to further inadequate education and attention, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle. It has become a cause that is so firmly embedded in gay culture, especially, that we don't even realize that despite current treatments, it's still the same destructive disease it has always been. 

Current anti-retroviral therapies are a blessing and a curse. When properly used, they are monumental in bringing a certain quality of life back to HIV-positive individuals and in reducing the morbidity and mortality of the virus. But it is because of this perceived "manageability" of the virus that it becomes such a curse. The young and uneducated believe that it's OK to become infected because those with HIV no longer experience severe wasting, the rapid onset of sarcomas, rashes and pneumonia. Are lipodistrophy, dyslipidemia, vomiting, stomach cramps, and cardiovascular issues from the cocktails any better? Is a daily regimen of drugs that make you feel sick easier than practicing safe sex? More importantly, are we destined to become slaves to our own weaknesses and irresponsible impulses? 

This pride month, let's really be proud of something. Let's be proud of being responsible. Let's be proud of coming together as a community to educate one another about what this disease really is. Let's be proud of helping rather than hurting. Wake up. Be responsible. Wrap it up.