Death of a Friendship

How do we deal with difficult times in our lives? Well, online and as publicly as possible, of course. I recently received a heartbreaking email from someone I once thought of as a good friend. Yes, an email that was a swift kick in the ass right out of his life...

I am a generally guarded person. I don't let people in that often. It's obvious that I do it because the hurt experienced when relationships go awry is often too much to bear; the confusion, the nausea, the hatred, the feeling that I just want to cry it all the way out, and the feeling of being rudderless in the wake of an emotional tsunami.

I've copied the email below...word for word, with redactions/changes of names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. I'm sure my response (below the first email) isn't entirely fair. I didn't think fair was necessary; and after several days of reflection, I can honestly say that I said what I needed to. Though, a conversation with a friend would have been far better than an email to someone I once knew...

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Email I received:

David-

This letter is going to feel pretty out of the blue for you, and I apologize upfront for that.

I'm sure between Facebook and [...], you've put together that Joe and I have been having trouble; the last 2 months have been extremely difficult. Joe and I, though, are now attempting to mend our relationship and I'm cautiously optimistic that we are headed on a path towards a stronger, healthier place than we have been over the past two years. This brings me to why I'm writing.

Unbeknownst to you and through no fault of your own, you have been a source of stress and insecurity throughout the length of my relationship. My actions, and my actions alone, set this situation into motion and unfortunately our friendship is now paying the price. I'm very sorry for that.

In order to be able to focus my energy into healing my relationship, I need to keep my distance from you. I will not be in touch, and have to ask that you respect that boundary as well by not contacting me. If you feel the need to respond to this and say your piece, I understand. But know that I'm not able to have an ongoing discussion about this and will not likely respond.

I recognize how unfair this is for you. We haven't talked much, seen each other even less, but we were still friends all the same. I also recognize how confusing it probably is, and I'm sorry I don't feel I can give you more of an explanation.

I'm saddened my own actions have resulted in this situation, but I hope you respect what I feel needs to happen going forward. I wish nothing but the best for you, David, and hope you continue to live a happy and healthy life.

-Allen

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My response:

Shock. Pain. Anger. Not because you need to make a change for your life, but for you to say we were ever friends and yet send the message below is the epitome of audacity. Friends communicate with one another. Friends are there for one another. A friend would have the compassion and fortitude to explain such a seemingly indiscriminate and callous expulsion from your life. Realizing I should expect none of that, I can't even deign to believe that you will have the decency to read my response.

I appreciate that there are parts of our lives that need to be changed in order for others to work, and that those changes aren't always easy. In fact, the last time we had a conversation, I was trying to learn that from a difficult family situation. Not that I would expect you to have listened; that's something a friend would do. We apparently were never really friends, and I was too much of a fool to have ever noticed. Shame on me. And shame on you for trodding so carelessly on someone who afforded you a special place in his heart and thought the same was true in return.

I can't help but wish I had something kinder or gentler to say, but...I don't.

DVZ

Too Much Talk, Not Enough Action

There was a time about a year ago (or whenever my last blog post was) when I thought, "Why write a blog? Everyone does it...what do I have to say that's so much better, or so much more worth reading?" I don't think I've answered either of those questions, but so much is happening in the state, the country and the world, that I have to get some of my thoughts out somehow! So, I'm back. For how long...who knows. But certainly a few hours on a plane gives me the focused time to play a little game of catch up.

Every morning, I download the New York Times onto my trusty iPhone - aren't I so with it? I get my coffee and my breakfast (yes, I eat it on the subway...why don't we enforce the littering laws instead of trying to outlaw having a nibble on the train), find a seat and for the next 20 minutes or so find myself wanting to comment on just about every article I read. Arab Spring. Romney. Euro bailouts. China's Market Manipulation. Santorum. LGBT Equality. Women's Rights. Chris Christie calling a concerned citizen an idiot. Climate Change. Obama. Nuclear Power. It's amazing to me how we consider ourselves such a civilized society, a civilized world, yet we can't come to a consensus on any of it. Polarization only seems to become more prevalent every day. I'm sure political scientists and psychologists have donned their lab coats and researched our brothers and sisters the world over to figure out why. Are our attentions divided too much in this era of smartphones, instantly available information (and instantly available MISinformation), iTunes (yes, I'm listening to some tunes whilst writing this), email constantly bombarding us, junk mail clogging up an increasingly useless physical mailbox (who really CARES if we cut mail service on Saturday)?

One reason I've observed on more than one occasion: the tailored nature of the information we receive. It seems as if most people only consume media that conforms to their own insular beliefs. Can you imagine if any of the great minds of the world, past or present, did that? No. (And if you answered that question with YES, then I argue that you're not considering a GREAT mind, but a narrow-minded person who can't understand the real world as experienced by 6.8 billion people and counting.) It is completely antithetical to a society that grows and learns. How do you learn if you are only told - over and over and over and over - the same things by the same people? When will we realize that today is not the absolute pinnacle of civilization and of the human species? Religious folks the world over comment on being a creation in the mold of a Creator. Wouldn't that Creator would want us to use the abilities with which we have been endowed by said Creator? Namely, the ability to think creatively and to adapt given the circumstances around us.

To me, one of the most amazing things about being alive as a human today is the ability to learn and grow, relatively unfettered. Sure, we all have certain constraints which inhibit our ability to learn in a formal way. But we can learn SOMETHING from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around us. Humans are incredibly adaptive, but the social structures we've put in place have made meaningful change something many people fear. When we refuse change, we refuse to realize our potential.

Now, I imagine you might be thinking, "Get off your high horse and do something about it then, asshole." You are VERY right. I like to think I try to learn from just about every experience in my life, but like anyone, I sometimes fail. I like to get information from as many sources as I can find. I admit, again, that I sometimes fail and depend on The Gray Lady like the that slut from Georgetown depends on her birth control (joke...get it?). When I figure out how to act, I'm sure I will; but until then, I learn. I consider. I conclude (for now, anyway). Oh, and there's another thing...we're all going to come to a different conclusion anyway, aren't we? I'd like to think that if more people at least tried to balance their own views with those of others.... well, that things would be better.

I've always been an idealist, but realize that I have to learn to be a bit of a realist as well, or I'll be a hermit living in a seculded cabin somewhere. But Utopia doesn't exist. And isolation won't do anything to make it better for me...how would I download the Times and watch Rachel Maddow every day without cell or internet service?

My attempt at catching up...

I've been woefully neglectful of my little blog here in my little corner of cyberspace. Not that anyone really reads it, but it feels good to get all those nagging thoughts out. Traveling for work makes it hard to have the conversations you'd normally have with friends or family about life. So - here's my attempt at a recap of several issues from the last several months:

The eternal issue of gay marriage - I just don't have words anymore. I'm sure I have friends that don't support it, but I don't want to assume and just barge in like a bull in a china shop. I'd actually like for them to come to me. Start a conversation. I actually think they have more to defend in terms of their position than I do. Equal rights or not. Period. Right?

Obama - Well, politics in general, I think. Politicians make me ill. They all just want to get elected again, so they vote just to make decisions that will be popular with undecided voters (vote for people that can't make up their minds....yeah, that's a good strategy), they twist the facts and don't do a fucking thing to ensure that we're more secure, are in good health, or that we're economically stable. While the president certainly has areas in which he can improve, a) it's only been a year; b) he's trying to do things a little differently. For instance, he gave congress the prerogative to shape health care. He was criticized for not leading on an issue. Well, he led by telling them to get their shit together and pass health care. He was also smart enough to give them an opportunity to work it out on their own. That didn't work, so he's getting involved. I actually applaud the slow and deliberate path he often takes (and also appreciate his quick decisiveness when absolutely necessary). It's a breath of fresh air to know that decisions are not made lightly. Granted, some things need to happen quickly. But give the heated, fact-less commentary a break and let's actually get some shit done. Aight?

Health Care Reform - I honestly don't know who wouldn't want some kind of reform to keep costs down, improve care, modernize facilities, records and processes. But conservative politicians keep telling me that Americans don't want it. That it's being shoved down the throats of hard-working Americans. Well, how about not criticizing and actually coming up with some ideas that work. Because, see, I'm a hard-working American. And I'd love to see health reform that actually contained costs and changed what I see as a severely broken system. It would actually make my life much better because then wage increases would be more likely because the union wouldn't be fighting with the employers over exorbitant health premiums. Quit bitching and actually do something, y'all.

China - We understand that China is a rising power. America will not be able to contain China by simply trying to give them a slap on the hand. Conservatives rail against multinational and global initiatives. We are no longer in a position to bully the rest of the world, especially as our debt grows and China's economy continues to boom. We must work with other countries if we want to be competitive and relevant in the 21st century. We can't be competitive if we can't get out of the rut of our own self-importance.

And that sums up my opinions on recent events. I mean, I certainly have more, but why dote on? I'm sure I'll get inspired soon enough by some idiocy in the world and share all of my earth-shattering thoughts with the digital world...

Don't let the sun go down on me

There are times during one's life when everything sucks. You know, the kind that are so difficult you could just puke, hard on everyone around and seem entirely without reason. They often don't give a clear opportunity for a positive outcome, and even then, you feel that you shouldn't be able to gain anything positive from something so horrendous.

We are all transients here. Our time will come, and our time will go just as quickly. It's now been two weeks since my stepfather, Gennaro "Jerri" DiLauri, was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. He woke up on the day of the accident just like any of us. He took a shower, got dressed, had some coffee, probably ate something and got on his bike to ride. He drove for miles enjoying life and doing something that made him happier than a pig in shit. But then, it was his time to go; and just that quickly, lives changed forever. My mom's life has changed in ways I can't possibly even begin to imagine. She lost a husband, a companion, a friend. If there was anything in the world I could do, or buy, or write, or think, or say that could take the pain away from her, you bet your ass I'd have done it already. His son and daughter have lost a father, a friend, a grandfather for their children...and I don't want to imagine that I'll have to endure the same thing one day. His brothers, his nephews, his friends, entire towns....it's all just a stunning tragedy.

From this tragedy, however, I have somehow seen a brighter picture. It seems almost unrealistically morbid to even write that. It seems downright cruel or insensitive. But while I understand their pain, I also have come to understand the joy that one human being can bring to this world; and it's mind-blowingly awesome.

I experienced a similar "rebirth" of my appreciation of humanity after my own accident. I don't in any way mean to compare experiences. Somehow, in what could have been something just as tragic, I was fine. It wasn't my time. But it was my time to realize that I wanted to be a better person, live my life honorably and have a fucking fantastic time doing it. It's been several years since then and I still strive to do that. I'm sure I've had my own rocky patches, but it's something I think about nearly every day.

Jerry's passing has re-focused my attention on that. Because it just as easily COULD have been my time. Then what? What has my life meant or done for others? I have to share that joy, that passion for life, that sincerity with people I love, with the guy at the store, or with somebody at a bar the way Jerry did.

As Jerry lived and Auntie Mame said, "Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Truer words have ne'er been spoken. Life is not a place to be shy about grabbing the first plate and stuffing yourself full. In fact, I'll see you in line for seconds, thirds... Thanks for the lesson, Jer'.

The Thinker

I write this post not just for my readers to better understand the goings on of my life, but to talk some sense into myself. The regular readers (which are few, but wonderfully loyal) will know that I've come to see myself as moving into a new place in my life. That I've been wanting to make real connections, to date, to see what's out there. I've done a little bit of that. And it's wonderful. Not so wonderful, however, is the game of interpreting the date. Even me saying such a thing makes me think I over-analyze it all from the get-go. But I'm sure there's supposed to be a general understanding of how it all went...and in searching for what that is for me, all the over-thinking just makes me doubt what that really was, or wasn't as the case may be.

I start my general post-date analysis with the understanding that I'm pretty solid at gauging how others are feeling by the signals they give out. One point for me. But then the, for lack of a better term, paranoid part of me wonders if those signals are all honest. My rational side realizes that I'll never get anywhere with anyone if I can't believe that what they're sharing with me is honest. But how do I turn off this distrusting part of me? What does that say about me to those I'm dating? Not good things, I imagine. So I just need to take the bull by the horns and trust my instincts until I have reason to believe otherwise.

I'm someone who, whether I like it or not, wears my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling is plainly visible on my face and in my body language. I used to think I was better at hiding them - and for a while even tried harder to do so. But if I can't be outwardly honest with my feelings, I'll end up shutting myself off to everyone around me and never finding the right connections in my life. I'm not even saying that I should jump headlong into any new experience. I'm not the kind to bring the UHaul to the third date and register at Tiffany for new china, nor do I want to be. But why I can't be more relaxed about all of this makes me more frustrated than not understanding it all to begin with. I enjoy an orderly existence in which I can know all of the variables. But - life is more complicated than that and I have to learn to enjoy that as well. Because, let's face it, even I know the journey is half the fun.

Hi, my name is David, and I'm an over-analyzer. Time to twelve-step it to a better way of interpreting my emotions, not getting all worked up and actually enjoying the connections with others in my life. I'll start with a breath in ... and a breath out.

I'm off like a prom dress to go forth in the world and practice some of this aforementioned letting go.

Life's soundtrack of silence and sound...

These last few weeks have been pretty fantastic. It had nothing to do with the delicious LA weather (which actually has been ridiculously hot in the last week or two). It seems the weather was really all I was enjoying here for a while. All I really needed to enjoy LA was to get out and do some living and seeing and doing away from the masses. A couple weeks ago I went on a hike in Griffith Park from the Observatory to the HOLLYWOOD sign. It was pretty easy for the most part, hiking along a paved road and then a pretty wide dirt road and then a paved road again. But it was high above all the hustle and bustle of a city that I still can't seem to wrap my head around. Seeing the sign itself was pretty great, even if it had to be behind a chain link fence. All in all it was a peaceful experience....just some warm (hot) air, a nice breeze, great views of the valley and the city, a good friend, good conversation and some much needed peace and quiet. I'm definitely up for some hikes when I get back to NYC...so y'all better get your hikin' shoes and come along with me for a spell...

This week also brought with it one of the finer moments I've had while touring this time around. Our assistant hair supervisor worked at LA Opera several years ago and happened to bump into Placido Domingo while out for drinks after work. She chatted him up and he said he might pop by the show the next day. None of us actually thought he would...but about 10 minutes before the Sunday matinee...in popped Domingo in all his splendor. He came backstage at intermission (he could only stay for the first act) and was just a jolly, kind, sincere, soft spoken man. Suzanne, knowing what a big fan of opera I am, talked to him and got us on a list to watch a bit of the Siegfried rehearsal once the show was done. We went and I enjoyed watching the goings on...and I thought that was it. Her generosity was not yet complete...she spoke with one of her friends at the opera who is one of the music librarians (Jason) and he said he'd meet me the next day and I could watch rehearsal. I thought I was headed over to see a full orchestra dress rehearsal of Elixir, but it ended up being the full orchestra read. It was great to see music being made again, but I didn't want to stay too long, I had things to do and the sitzprobe was that night. First time for the orchestra and vocalists to run through the opera together.

I met Jason at the artists' entrance and we went upstairs to the grand tier lobby (a fantastic setting surrounded by windows out to the plaza, and 3 absolutely gorgeous, huge crystal chandeliers). He got to work doing librarian-y things and I found a seat to the side and waited for it all to begin. I wasn't entirely familiar with the cast..I knew a couple of the names, but I also knew that the most exciting part would be getting to hear some new voices. It's been so long since I've observed such a "raw" moment...orchestra, maestro, chorus, and principals all finding their groove with one another. It settled in pretty quickly and damn what a groove they found. Not that I expected anything different from an A house, but I really was blown away by the voices. Warm, clear tones in beautiful phrases rose from the mass of people seated before me and catapulted me to that place where you can't say anything, where you can only experience the moment and enjoy it to its fullest.

You see, they didn't have to worry about an audience, or critics...they just made music together. Hearing all of this happen right in front of me, I started to wonder if I've been happy with where my life has taken me and what I've been doing for the last several years, and ultimately, I'm pretty sure that I am happy. That I think my path has been right. But thinking about the experience I was having made me curious to know what it would be like to be part of making something like that happen. I'm sure it might all come to have some sense of "routine" after a while, but it gave me pause and made me remember why I moved to NY in the first place. I LOVE opera and symphonic music, and I want to support those that have made it their life's work to create it. Once I got into theater, I enjoyed that too...but I realized this week that it just isn't the same. I became good at something, and enjoyed that it was something I did well and kept riding that wave...

It's time to take the skills I've refined over the last several years and, at the very least, SERIOUSLY explore the other opportunities that might be out there for me. I'm lucky enough to be doing something I enjoy now, to have met some really great people who support me in what I do, to have a supportive family - so why not look into doing something that might even make me happier? Granted, I also have financial responsibilities and can't take an entry level position hoping to rise quickly in an organization. But if I want these other experiences, I have to be open to them. I have to seek them out. I have to make it happen.

A balancing act

So it seems the blog thing doesn't really suit me when I'm employed. I get busy, or my attention gets side-tracked by a shiny object...

The shiny object lately has been just being in LA. Which might sound strange to some of you given how hard of an adjustment it was to for me to get situated here. But the nice weather has been really wonderful after the winter we had on the tour this year (Peoria, South Bend, Sioux City, Detroit, Chicago). And it really is its own place in a very strange, personality-less kind of way. I've settled into a neat little routine of going to the gym, having breakfast at the same cafe on my way home, getting ready, going to work, coming home, and sometimes peppering all that with a twirl around the WeHo bars at the end of the day. All of that sameness, though, has made me realize that I need something to balance it all out. Which then got me thinking more about overall balance in my life.

I'll speak for myself here (redundant given that this is MY blog), but I'm pretty sure this is broadly applicable. I have spent so long trying to find the right balance only to end up on the opposite side of where I started. Which then turns into a re-balance going back in the other direction...and so on and so forth. The good thing about all of this is that I've been able to identify that it's what I'm going through. Or so I think. Who ever really knows what's going on with feelings and emotions?

Lately the balance struggle has involved needing more solid connections with people in my life. Don't get me wrong. I have people I love, LOVE dearly and with whom I have solid relationships. And that's one of the most amazing things to me. They truly are my foundation and not a day goes by that I don't almost ache inside because of how much they mean to me. But then I have all these acquaintances that have come and gone - some of them have had amazing effects on my life. Yet they remain acquaintances because of circumstances. I'm on tour, they live somewhere else, things go awry, or we just lose touch. I know that this is just part of how life goes. That there are fleeting moments in our lives. But...what am I even saying here? I think it's really that so much of my life has been without enough of those real connections that I'm trying to make up for lost time. And finding myself disappointed when I feel something that isn't reciprocated on the other end. But that's life too. I'm trying to be ok with knowing that the disappointment is as ok to feel as the connection. And that the disappointment doesn't necessarily mean that I'm wrong or rejected. It's just how it is.

My whole life I've been so picky about those I allow into my life, and now that I've learned more about myself, I realize that may have been detrimental. I've met people in the last year I wouldn't even have given the time of day to had they asked 5 years ago. That, however, was my path. It's how I learned how to experience things. I learned about myself and others in a very guarded way, and I'm sure that did some good for me, right? I'm happy, I'm healthy, I have a home, I have great friends, and a loving family. And I'm more open to new people and experiences than I've ever been before. OK - I talked myself down. Post complete.