The Thinker

I write this post not just for my readers to better understand the goings on of my life, but to talk some sense into myself. The regular readers (which are few, but wonderfully loyal) will know that I've come to see myself as moving into a new place in my life. That I've been wanting to make real connections, to date, to see what's out there. I've done a little bit of that. And it's wonderful. Not so wonderful, however, is the game of interpreting the date. Even me saying such a thing makes me think I over-analyze it all from the get-go. But I'm sure there's supposed to be a general understanding of how it all went...and in searching for what that is for me, all the over-thinking just makes me doubt what that really was, or wasn't as the case may be.

I start my general post-date analysis with the understanding that I'm pretty solid at gauging how others are feeling by the signals they give out. One point for me. But then the, for lack of a better term, paranoid part of me wonders if those signals are all honest. My rational side realizes that I'll never get anywhere with anyone if I can't believe that what they're sharing with me is honest. But how do I turn off this distrusting part of me? What does that say about me to those I'm dating? Not good things, I imagine. So I just need to take the bull by the horns and trust my instincts until I have reason to believe otherwise.

I'm someone who, whether I like it or not, wears my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling is plainly visible on my face and in my body language. I used to think I was better at hiding them - and for a while even tried harder to do so. But if I can't be outwardly honest with my feelings, I'll end up shutting myself off to everyone around me and never finding the right connections in my life. I'm not even saying that I should jump headlong into any new experience. I'm not the kind to bring the UHaul to the third date and register at Tiffany for new china, nor do I want to be. But why I can't be more relaxed about all of this makes me more frustrated than not understanding it all to begin with. I enjoy an orderly existence in which I can know all of the variables. But - life is more complicated than that and I have to learn to enjoy that as well. Because, let's face it, even I know the journey is half the fun.

Hi, my name is David, and I'm an over-analyzer. Time to twelve-step it to a better way of interpreting my emotions, not getting all worked up and actually enjoying the connections with others in my life. I'll start with a breath in ... and a breath out.

I'm off like a prom dress to go forth in the world and practice some of this aforementioned letting go.