Death of a Friendship

How do we deal with difficult times in our lives? Well, online and as publicly as possible, of course. I recently received a heartbreaking email from someone I once thought of as a good friend. Yes, an email that was a swift kick in the ass right out of his life...

I am a generally guarded person. I don't let people in that often. It's obvious that I do it because the hurt experienced when relationships go awry is often too much to bear; the confusion, the nausea, the hatred, the feeling that I just want to cry it all the way out, and the feeling of being rudderless in the wake of an emotional tsunami.

I've copied the email below...word for word, with redactions/changes of names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. I'm sure my response (below the first email) isn't entirely fair. I didn't think fair was necessary; and after several days of reflection, I can honestly say that I said what I needed to. Though, a conversation with a friend would have been far better than an email to someone I once knew...

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Email I received:

David-

This letter is going to feel pretty out of the blue for you, and I apologize upfront for that.

I'm sure between Facebook and [...], you've put together that Joe and I have been having trouble; the last 2 months have been extremely difficult. Joe and I, though, are now attempting to mend our relationship and I'm cautiously optimistic that we are headed on a path towards a stronger, healthier place than we have been over the past two years. This brings me to why I'm writing.

Unbeknownst to you and through no fault of your own, you have been a source of stress and insecurity throughout the length of my relationship. My actions, and my actions alone, set this situation into motion and unfortunately our friendship is now paying the price. I'm very sorry for that.

In order to be able to focus my energy into healing my relationship, I need to keep my distance from you. I will not be in touch, and have to ask that you respect that boundary as well by not contacting me. If you feel the need to respond to this and say your piece, I understand. But know that I'm not able to have an ongoing discussion about this and will not likely respond.

I recognize how unfair this is for you. We haven't talked much, seen each other even less, but we were still friends all the same. I also recognize how confusing it probably is, and I'm sorry I don't feel I can give you more of an explanation.

I'm saddened my own actions have resulted in this situation, but I hope you respect what I feel needs to happen going forward. I wish nothing but the best for you, David, and hope you continue to live a happy and healthy life.

-Allen

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My response:

Shock. Pain. Anger. Not because you need to make a change for your life, but for you to say we were ever friends and yet send the message below is the epitome of audacity. Friends communicate with one another. Friends are there for one another. A friend would have the compassion and fortitude to explain such a seemingly indiscriminate and callous expulsion from your life. Realizing I should expect none of that, I can't even deign to believe that you will have the decency to read my response.

I appreciate that there are parts of our lives that need to be changed in order for others to work, and that those changes aren't always easy. In fact, the last time we had a conversation, I was trying to learn that from a difficult family situation. Not that I would expect you to have listened; that's something a friend would do. We apparently were never really friends, and I was too much of a fool to have ever noticed. Shame on me. And shame on you for trodding so carelessly on someone who afforded you a special place in his heart and thought the same was true in return.

I can't help but wish I had something kinder or gentler to say, but...I don't.

DVZ

Too Much Talk, Not Enough Action

There was a time about a year ago (or whenever my last blog post was) when I thought, "Why write a blog? Everyone does it...what do I have to say that's so much better, or so much more worth reading?" I don't think I've answered either of those questions, but so much is happening in the state, the country and the world, that I have to get some of my thoughts out somehow! So, I'm back. For how long...who knows. But certainly a few hours on a plane gives me the focused time to play a little game of catch up.

Every morning, I download the New York Times onto my trusty iPhone - aren't I so with it? I get my coffee and my breakfast (yes, I eat it on the subway...why don't we enforce the littering laws instead of trying to outlaw having a nibble on the train), find a seat and for the next 20 minutes or so find myself wanting to comment on just about every article I read. Arab Spring. Romney. Euro bailouts. China's Market Manipulation. Santorum. LGBT Equality. Women's Rights. Chris Christie calling a concerned citizen an idiot. Climate Change. Obama. Nuclear Power. It's amazing to me how we consider ourselves such a civilized society, a civilized world, yet we can't come to a consensus on any of it. Polarization only seems to become more prevalent every day. I'm sure political scientists and psychologists have donned their lab coats and researched our brothers and sisters the world over to figure out why. Are our attentions divided too much in this era of smartphones, instantly available information (and instantly available MISinformation), iTunes (yes, I'm listening to some tunes whilst writing this), email constantly bombarding us, junk mail clogging up an increasingly useless physical mailbox (who really CARES if we cut mail service on Saturday)?

One reason I've observed on more than one occasion: the tailored nature of the information we receive. It seems as if most people only consume media that conforms to their own insular beliefs. Can you imagine if any of the great minds of the world, past or present, did that? No. (And if you answered that question with YES, then I argue that you're not considering a GREAT mind, but a narrow-minded person who can't understand the real world as experienced by 6.8 billion people and counting.) It is completely antithetical to a society that grows and learns. How do you learn if you are only told - over and over and over and over - the same things by the same people? When will we realize that today is not the absolute pinnacle of civilization and of the human species? Religious folks the world over comment on being a creation in the mold of a Creator. Wouldn't that Creator would want us to use the abilities with which we have been endowed by said Creator? Namely, the ability to think creatively and to adapt given the circumstances around us.

To me, one of the most amazing things about being alive as a human today is the ability to learn and grow, relatively unfettered. Sure, we all have certain constraints which inhibit our ability to learn in a formal way. But we can learn SOMETHING from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around us. Humans are incredibly adaptive, but the social structures we've put in place have made meaningful change something many people fear. When we refuse change, we refuse to realize our potential.

Now, I imagine you might be thinking, "Get off your high horse and do something about it then, asshole." You are VERY right. I like to think I try to learn from just about every experience in my life, but like anyone, I sometimes fail. I like to get information from as many sources as I can find. I admit, again, that I sometimes fail and depend on The Gray Lady like the that slut from Georgetown depends on her birth control (joke...get it?). When I figure out how to act, I'm sure I will; but until then, I learn. I consider. I conclude (for now, anyway). Oh, and there's another thing...we're all going to come to a different conclusion anyway, aren't we? I'd like to think that if more people at least tried to balance their own views with those of others.... well, that things would be better.

I've always been an idealist, but realize that I have to learn to be a bit of a realist as well, or I'll be a hermit living in a seculded cabin somewhere. But Utopia doesn't exist. And isolation won't do anything to make it better for me...how would I download the Times and watch Rachel Maddow every day without cell or internet service?