The Thinker

I write this post not just for my readers to better understand the goings on of my life, but to talk some sense into myself. The regular readers (which are few, but wonderfully loyal) will know that I've come to see myself as moving into a new place in my life. That I've been wanting to make real connections, to date, to see what's out there. I've done a little bit of that. And it's wonderful. Not so wonderful, however, is the game of interpreting the date. Even me saying such a thing makes me think I over-analyze it all from the get-go. But I'm sure there's supposed to be a general understanding of how it all went...and in searching for what that is for me, all the over-thinking just makes me doubt what that really was, or wasn't as the case may be.

I start my general post-date analysis with the understanding that I'm pretty solid at gauging how others are feeling by the signals they give out. One point for me. But then the, for lack of a better term, paranoid part of me wonders if those signals are all honest. My rational side realizes that I'll never get anywhere with anyone if I can't believe that what they're sharing with me is honest. But how do I turn off this distrusting part of me? What does that say about me to those I'm dating? Not good things, I imagine. So I just need to take the bull by the horns and trust my instincts until I have reason to believe otherwise.

I'm someone who, whether I like it or not, wears my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling is plainly visible on my face and in my body language. I used to think I was better at hiding them - and for a while even tried harder to do so. But if I can't be outwardly honest with my feelings, I'll end up shutting myself off to everyone around me and never finding the right connections in my life. I'm not even saying that I should jump headlong into any new experience. I'm not the kind to bring the UHaul to the third date and register at Tiffany for new china, nor do I want to be. But why I can't be more relaxed about all of this makes me more frustrated than not understanding it all to begin with. I enjoy an orderly existence in which I can know all of the variables. But - life is more complicated than that and I have to learn to enjoy that as well. Because, let's face it, even I know the journey is half the fun.

Hi, my name is David, and I'm an over-analyzer. Time to twelve-step it to a better way of interpreting my emotions, not getting all worked up and actually enjoying the connections with others in my life. I'll start with a breath in ... and a breath out.

I'm off like a prom dress to go forth in the world and practice some of this aforementioned letting go.

Life's soundtrack of silence and sound...

These last few weeks have been pretty fantastic. It had nothing to do with the delicious LA weather (which actually has been ridiculously hot in the last week or two). It seems the weather was really all I was enjoying here for a while. All I really needed to enjoy LA was to get out and do some living and seeing and doing away from the masses. A couple weeks ago I went on a hike in Griffith Park from the Observatory to the HOLLYWOOD sign. It was pretty easy for the most part, hiking along a paved road and then a pretty wide dirt road and then a paved road again. But it was high above all the hustle and bustle of a city that I still can't seem to wrap my head around. Seeing the sign itself was pretty great, even if it had to be behind a chain link fence. All in all it was a peaceful experience....just some warm (hot) air, a nice breeze, great views of the valley and the city, a good friend, good conversation and some much needed peace and quiet. I'm definitely up for some hikes when I get back to NYC...so y'all better get your hikin' shoes and come along with me for a spell...

This week also brought with it one of the finer moments I've had while touring this time around. Our assistant hair supervisor worked at LA Opera several years ago and happened to bump into Placido Domingo while out for drinks after work. She chatted him up and he said he might pop by the show the next day. None of us actually thought he would...but about 10 minutes before the Sunday matinee...in popped Domingo in all his splendor. He came backstage at intermission (he could only stay for the first act) and was just a jolly, kind, sincere, soft spoken man. Suzanne, knowing what a big fan of opera I am, talked to him and got us on a list to watch a bit of the Siegfried rehearsal once the show was done. We went and I enjoyed watching the goings on...and I thought that was it. Her generosity was not yet complete...she spoke with one of her friends at the opera who is one of the music librarians (Jason) and he said he'd meet me the next day and I could watch rehearsal. I thought I was headed over to see a full orchestra dress rehearsal of Elixir, but it ended up being the full orchestra read. It was great to see music being made again, but I didn't want to stay too long, I had things to do and the sitzprobe was that night. First time for the orchestra and vocalists to run through the opera together.

I met Jason at the artists' entrance and we went upstairs to the grand tier lobby (a fantastic setting surrounded by windows out to the plaza, and 3 absolutely gorgeous, huge crystal chandeliers). He got to work doing librarian-y things and I found a seat to the side and waited for it all to begin. I wasn't entirely familiar with the cast..I knew a couple of the names, but I also knew that the most exciting part would be getting to hear some new voices. It's been so long since I've observed such a "raw" moment...orchestra, maestro, chorus, and principals all finding their groove with one another. It settled in pretty quickly and damn what a groove they found. Not that I expected anything different from an A house, but I really was blown away by the voices. Warm, clear tones in beautiful phrases rose from the mass of people seated before me and catapulted me to that place where you can't say anything, where you can only experience the moment and enjoy it to its fullest.

You see, they didn't have to worry about an audience, or critics...they just made music together. Hearing all of this happen right in front of me, I started to wonder if I've been happy with where my life has taken me and what I've been doing for the last several years, and ultimately, I'm pretty sure that I am happy. That I think my path has been right. But thinking about the experience I was having made me curious to know what it would be like to be part of making something like that happen. I'm sure it might all come to have some sense of "routine" after a while, but it gave me pause and made me remember why I moved to NY in the first place. I LOVE opera and symphonic music, and I want to support those that have made it their life's work to create it. Once I got into theater, I enjoyed that too...but I realized this week that it just isn't the same. I became good at something, and enjoyed that it was something I did well and kept riding that wave...

It's time to take the skills I've refined over the last several years and, at the very least, SERIOUSLY explore the other opportunities that might be out there for me. I'm lucky enough to be doing something I enjoy now, to have met some really great people who support me in what I do, to have a supportive family - so why not look into doing something that might even make me happier? Granted, I also have financial responsibilities and can't take an entry level position hoping to rise quickly in an organization. But if I want these other experiences, I have to be open to them. I have to seek them out. I have to make it happen.