My mind and soul, however, are still in a similar place to when I last decided it was important to put all my thoughts and feelings down for all of cyberspace to enjoy/ridicule/understand/ignore. Since the show moved from SF to LA - I've had a fair amount of time to myself. Which, of course, gets one into some pretty deep thinking sometimes. Most of that time, however, happens to be when I'm sitting in traffic on my way to or from...well, anywhere. As such, I suppose I can't get too deeply lost in thought, lest I lose control of my lovely rental Nissan Altima.
But what I've come to realize by having all that time is that I've never in my life been more homesick than I am now. I went away to college - that was cool. I moved to New York - that was cool, I was starting my life on my own. I went on tour (two prior to this one), and sure, I was a little homesick - but I was still exploring. This time is totally different. I have a true home to go home to. And I want to go there and nest. Not be reclusive, but live my life without the interruption of constantly moving around. To enjoy the friends I've made there already and make new ones. To date. Dating seems like such a foreign concept after so long on the road. Sure you can do it, and I've gone on a few dates, but it seems so contrived, so empty. New friends are great, but I feel so emotionally exposed when I meet people that I enjoy so much and then have to leave them. I know I should just enjoy everything for what it is, and ultimately I come to terms with life and do just that, but it seems that I've gotten to the point that I just need something more stable in my life.
So it's not just homesickness. For the first time in my life I really want to share my life with someone. I've worked so hard on "making it" in New York, and creating a career path for myself that my heart has been closed to the feelings and emotions that would be receptive to a relationship. I don't want to sound whiny and dejected, but part of my emotional awakening unleashed this huge desire for a sustainable relationship with someone who has their shit together. A stable career. A healthy sex drive. Someone who likes to go out, but similarly wants to have those quiet snowy nights cuddled on the couch, just hangin' out. Smart, funny, enjoys the value of a good vocabulary, isn't afraid to laugh at himself, has an understanding and appreciation of what my job requires, takes care of himself physically and emotionally, and loves me unconditionally. Because of and in spite of everything that makes me who I am.
A couple years ago, my dad started asking me about my love life. I thought it was sweet. I'd say, "Oh yeah, I'm dating this person, or that person." Or "I'm not dating at all." At first, I thought he was just making conversation, but one time he said that he wanted to be sure I was happy. At the time, I didn't equate my happiness with someone being by my side. And I think I still feel similarly. But my dad struck a nerve years before I even knew it was there. I don't think someone in my life will make or break my happiness, but it's something my body and mind are seeking. It almost feels like a basic need that is going unfulfilled. But even saying that seems strange to me - you don't seek these things out, they just come along, right?
Whatever all of this is - the senioritis, the homesickness, the emotional upheaval, and the enjoyment of so many things in life - I'm still processing it all. I've always been such an independent person - but right now my life needs more. I'm not entirely convinced that means someone else - but I'm certainly missing something.
